^_o memories are an odd mistress

some of the things they told me:

U_U when I was in high school I was always told that an African child would’t complain about being stoned, set on fire or having thorns shoved down there back if it meant they could learn. This made me feel selfish for feeling pain.   

when I was in school I was told everything in my lunchbox or on my plate must be eaten because some child is staving somewhere. This made me and many others vomit (you were forced).

*Additional: we had so little time to eat are lunch we would end up eating it on the way home.*

when I was in high school a teacher ask “what makes you happy?” my answer “making others happy fulfills me.” They told me that was selfish.  This made me end up looking at doing a good action as nothing more than fulfilling social standards (feeling good about doing it makes you a bad person).

I didn’t do a good action, I did what I was told to do and was expected to do.

T-o Its like what my 3 year old self said:

mum: “stop being naughty”

me: “what is naughty?”

mum: “when you do something wrong.”

me: “ok then, what am I doing wrong?”

*when I look back on it I was a very strange child (good=right  bad=wrong).*

what one sees as right another sees as wrong, so in that sense dose good and bad even exist?

They tried to turn me into an obedient robot, they tried to make me lie about who I was and worst of all they made me feel guilty for being alive.

But when I’m with my boyfriend he gives me strength, fills me with happiness and some how I do the same to him……HOW? I have friends who choose to be around me….such an odd concept?

My head might be at war with the pain it still feels but, I can keep pushing forward knowing that there are people by my side who like me the way I am. 

XD I feel so much better for writing this (I will never know how my sane normal mind managed to stay in tact tucked away for all them years).  *I fell into a deep depression during my school years.*


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