I have two secrets and 1 is going to remain that way however, one of the downsides to secret 1 is that it meant I never understood why I was in so much pain constantly and why my head was so freakish when placed ageist someone ells.
People kept telling me I had to fix this and be what they wanted including stopping myself feeling pain.
Thanks to a traumatizing advert I watched as a child my brain had already produced an personality to cover up such memory. After becoming really isolated I started talking to the voice in my head (schizophrenia) in order to have some form of interaction.
The voice told me his name was Connor.
I started to feed all the negative aspects I felt into him to try and make people around me think I was good And followed orders…..it wasn’t till I was older did I realize how dumb them orders were. He started to create his own presence when it came to my body after the freak outs from sensory overload stared to become more frequent (people found it fun to see me in pain).
“You need to relax.”
“It hurts too much.”
“Then I’ll do it.”
T-T Problem is that even he won’t nock me out if there is any level of danger when doing so.
After all the bad things people have done to me during my school year (which I don’t really have much memory of) Connor has a deep hatred/mistrust of other humans. The only reason he doesn’t harm people is because he doesn’t want to upset me.
He has been known to take control sometimes (my body energy changes and according to my mother you just have to look into my eyes to see it’s no longer me ).
My mum hate Connor and DB find that Connor refuses talk to him.
The only reason I bring this up is because last night I had a fight with him over recent events and he was refusing to back down from his position. After 6 hours of fighting (when I had already felt ill and sleep exhausted) I had finally made sense of what he had done and why I was feeling so ill to begin with.
T-T Poor DB had to watch me meowing constantly as had an inner battle with myself.
*He knows that meowing re-focuses my head (he hates the fact there was no way to help)*
^-o After the fight stopped and I was energy drained me and DB proceeded to watch all 12 episodes of disgaea.
T-T Hope you guys don’t see me as a freak.