Today has not been the best seeing as endless bad things seem to be happening to me.
When I met DB that afternoon as a normally do he showed me the news paper and I just snapped. It must have been a combination of news stories or maybe something that was randomly said???? I’m not 100% sure how but my head let flow all the horrible thoughts and memories I repressed into the back of my head.
O_O I don’t like being around people and those memories reaffirm why.
From nursery to year 11, pure hell!
I despise school and there ability benefits fraud legally (like hell is anyone going to look into where the money is going).
T_T Don’t give the weaker students there funding the stronger ones need it (There is a Primary school in are village is notorious for it). *High need students are just cash cows to them.*
I was sitting in my room drawing when I was trying to draw a happy face.
me: “what dose a happy face look like?”
First photography tutor “you’re not one of those people are you?” in a snarly condescending tone.
T_T Why do people wonder why I don’t like being around other people?
O_O Last week a random woman called me a witch because I was watching two butterflies dance around each other.
Do I have to mention the amount of parents that point at me and say “look child, that is what a freak is.”
T-T Emotions are bad and should be regulated. one can’t control there thoughts when then they are happy /sad meaning you can’t go though the list of responses that people have forcefully taught you. I despise acting the way other people call normal, it’s physically exhausting, I constantly worry about slipping up and having to study people in order to find out what response would they find the most preferable (not to mention the many time people try and change who you are because in there heads “it will make you fit in better”).
teacher: “what do you think lea?”
me: “Do you want to hear what I’m thinking or what you want to hear?”
teacher:“what I want to hear.”
^_^ This is why I’m so happy that my friend allows me to say what ever is on my mind.
Since I turned 17 (now 23) I haven’t had to deal with people trying to change me as a person however, I did have to fight me emotions a lot harder after my nervous brake down at 16 which forced my repressed emotions to the foreground (I was crying in pain a lot before this happened). *XD I was horrible cruel to myself and staff capt telling to keep up the act.*
If anyone says “why didn’t you seek mental help”
The school said it wasn’t there problem it was the GP’s problem.
The GP said it wasn’t there problem it was the schools problem.
T-o Turns out the school had a little befit scam going around me and most likely many other students (this still happens), meaning that if I did see a mental health doctor and got a new assessment the school would loose out of money that was meant to help but never went to the students that needed it.
The students that school thought could get good grads would get laptops and smart bored while the weaker students would get one teaching assistant to share between 20 dyslexic students (that’s if the teachers even showed up).
XD You have to love how the school will not allow weaker grade students to take more then 2-3 extra classes when they get to year 9 while the high A-C students get to take 4-6 extra classes (your not allowed to have English literature and language as two separate grade if your in a low group).
T_T I hate schools.
some of the things they told me:
U_U when I was in high school I was always told that an African child would’t complain about being stoned, set on fire or having thorns shoved down there back if it meant they could learn. This made me feel selfish for feeling pain.
when I was in school I was told everything in my lunchbox or on my plate must be eaten because some child is staving somewhere. This made me and many others vomit (you were forced).
*Additional: we had so little time to eat are lunch we would end up eating it on the way home.*
when I was in high school a teacher ask “what makes you happy?” my answer “making others happy fulfills me.” They told me that was selfish. This made me end up looking at doing a good action as nothing more than fulfilling social standards (feeling good about doing it makes you a bad person).
I didn’t do a good action, I did what I was told to do and was expected to do.
T-o Its like what my 3 year old self said:
mum: “stop being naughty”
me: “what is naughty?”
mum: “when you do something wrong.”
me: “ok then, what am I doing wrong?”
*when I look back on it I was a very strange child (good=right bad=wrong).*
what one sees as right another sees as wrong, so in that sense dose good and bad even exist?
They tried to turn me into an obedient robot, they tried to make me lie about who I was and worst of all they made me feel guilty for being alive.
But when I’m with my boyfriend he gives me strength, fills me with happiness and some how I do the same to him……HOW? I have friends who choose to be around me….such an odd concept?
My head might be at war with the pain it still feels but, I can keep pushing forward knowing that there are people by my side who like me the way I am.
XD I feel so much better for writing this (I will never know how my sane normal mind managed to stay in tact tucked away for all them years). *I fell into a deep depression during my school years.*